Traveling Trio

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know how things are going to turn out before I even leave the driveway. But yet, I continuously do it. Even after saying I would not.

We live in a small town. Right smack in the middle where two major highways join, but still, it's a small town. We do not have a book store. Yes, you heard right. No. Bookstore. Which is a horrible situation to be in, if you are my 12 year old son, the book whore. This kid can read like nobody's business. He's not like other kids that you struggle to keep in jeans. Or shirts. Or shoes and socks. Nope, books.

Sometimes on Amazon, or Barnes and Noble online, you cannot find which book comes next in a series. Which totally bugs Kadin as well. He has to read them in order. Heaven help him if he reads the 4th book and he has not read the 3rd book. So, I know a trip to a book store is in order. We have two options. A 45 min drive to the North.....or an hour drive to the South. Either way, I am going to be wearing my shoulders up around my ears by the time we get home.

We decide to go North. Less temptations and it is Sunday so things will not be open late enough for me to stay past dinner time. I load up my three boys and we head out. We are not even out of the subdivision before someone is crying that their DS will not work. I sigh and turn the music up louder.

The drive is actually uneventful, for which I"m thankful. DS's work, Cullen chats the ENTIRE time about his sleepover. I try to pay attention. We stop and eat at Mackie's pizza which is basically cheese on a cracker but they love it. I longinly look over at Red Lobster where I wish we could have eaten. We don't have one in town......it is a small town. :(

Finally we make it to the Book Store..........my kids run in three different directions and I look like a traffic cop trying to maintain 1/4 of an eye on each of them. We.Are.There.Forever! Kadin no longer reads books in the young readers section. No, we have to find the James Pattersons books in the big people section. Where I read each back flap to make sure there is no mention of sex, drugs, or rock n roll and finally give up. I start throwing books that feature Alex Cross into the basket with wild abandon. Whatever will keep me out of thise store that I love but do not get the chance to wander for the longest period of time.

I did mention to him that there may be some adult content and subjects and under all circumstances he was to SKIP THOSE PAGES! Yeah, I got the eye roll in response.

Several hundred dollars later we are blinded by the sun as we exit the building. How can one store be such a time suck? Where did the day go? I'm exhausted from herding boy cats through the store for hours on end. Yet, I'm brave enough to go to TJMaxx and Target....

On the drive home, I'm exhausted. Thinking about how sometime this year, there may be a 4th child to wrestle with at the book store, and I almost pass out. Until I look behind me and see two of my three sleeping quietly, and the third with his face in a book. And then the words come floating to the front..."Hey mom.....I'm on page 150. This book is GREAT!"   Nice.........I see another trip in my near future. Who taught that kid to read?

Oh, yeah....it was me.

The little things........

I've told myself this year, I am going to pay attention to the little things. How God works in small ways. Of course, I want him to put a small bundle of pink into my home of blue, but I also want to look at ways our lives are changed by the small examples. I love how God works in the BIG ways. The healing, the reconnecting, the saving.....all of those things are so important. But I want to concentrate this year on the mustard seed type of things. So here I am. Wide eyed every day. WAITING to be shown how God works in small ways. And since I'm looking, I see. I see people help each other. Holding doors, offering assistance, smiling, kind words.....if you look, we do treat each other with kindness. But tonight, my middle son blew me out of the water. Driving to basketball practice we were talking. It went something like this:

Me: Cullen, do you ever think about what your sister's birthmom will be like?
Cullen: I pray she will be a Christian
Me: I do too, but what do you think we should do if she isn't?
Cullen: We should tell her about Jesus. Isn't that what all Christians are supposed to do? Teach about Jesus and let those they care about know what Jesus did for us?
Me: Yes, that's exactly what we should do.
Cullen: Well, my sister will know what Jesus did to bring her to our family. And her mom will know we have already asked God for a place for Elliana in our family and in heaven. She's on her way mom!
Me: speechlesss...(looking for those little things, I found a BIG one. How I love my Cullybug!)

How does a parent go on from that? I dropped him off and sat in the car in tears. Thankful to God that my son was getting what he needed to from life. GOD IS THERE! And thankful he is seeing what I'm trying to teach him. GOD LOVES YOU! But holy cow! I had no idea he even really thought about Elliana. I guess I was wrong.

We are paper pregnant. No one really knows. But we are expecting a little girl. Sometimes the Fed Ex guy brings an outfit. Or a baby monitor. Or an Adoptive Families magazine. But as much as I internally obsess about this fourth child, my boys await her arrival as well. And I am touched.

Liam: When is our baby's birthday?
Me: I don't know when she will be born.
Liam: But everyone has a birthday. When is Elliana's?
Me: We don't know, Li...only God knows when her birthday will be. When we will find out about her. We just don't know. That is God's work. HE knows when her birthday will be. When she is coming. We just have to wait and pray for her and her Mom and Dad.
Liam: That is so complicated..........

He's right. It is. Waiting for a child to join your family through adoption IS complicated. You are not pregnant. You do not know who the parents are. You do not know what history they will bring to add to your family tree. You know nothing. And you are not in control. Sometimes I think my boys have forgotten about her. But they have not.

Just yesterday driving to school my oldest says:
Kadin: I think it is going to be cool to tell people my sister is adopted.
Me: Really? How come?
Kadin: Because God is choosing her for us out of everyone in the US. She will come to us by choice. I think it's neat that we will have a baby that will stretch our lives.

And so she will, my boys. So she will. I am beyond blessed. Truly, I am.

Roller Coaster

Have I mentioned lately what an emotional roller coaster adopting is? And as I explore, it's not just me that these crazy things fall upon, but sometimes it sure seems like it. In the past, we have known of situations of young girls being pregnant and thinking of adoption. Twice those young girls chose to parent thier baby girls. Once, we offered to take a baby boy so a mom would not abort him because she did not want another son. We were turned down and a 21 week old fetus lost his life. Now that we are in the washing machine cycle of adoption, I am like a fiend. Reading everything I can, joining online support groups because there are none where I live, and exploring every avenue that may bring our daughter home. Unfortunately, I never expected to be scammed.

How does someone offer their child, make up a horrendous living experience, and have no intention of placing their child, if there ever even was a child? Heck, the writer may not have even been a female! I have learned how emotionally bare I am. I responded to a post on a well known website. I was responded to. Me and this lady, "B", began an online relationship of sorts. Sharing pictures of her daughter, information about her family, and me sharing our situation. I thankfully contacted our adoption agency to look into things. I had friends in the UK planning on dropping by B's house. Scoping out the baby. Another sweet friend googled the address to see if homes were even there on google earth.

But suddenly things did not add up. And then money was asked for. Without an attorney. She would fly from the UK, get a passport with the baby's name and our last name on it. But until then, she needed money. Some help. Didn't I want to help her feed the child that would become our daughter?

I asked her to contact our adoption agency. She wouldn't. She just wanted money. I asked again. She sent an email. No other response.

Emotionally, this one does not take the cake. Although I prepared myself for a 2 yr old instead of an infant. I asked the boys if they would mind. Dave and I discussed it, but it is not the one that left me undone for days.

No, that one was the lady who aborted. I guess if I'm to be scammed over a child that may or may not have existed, so be it. Through appropriate channels, our daughter will come to our house, just has God has written it in our books of life. Just as He has commanded.  But until then, watch out! Sometimes things are not as they seem. I'm learning to be a little more jaded every day.